On Dates, Dating, and More Dates

You don't have to read this if you don't want to hear about dating, marriage, me rambling, etc. This may seem weird, so don't read. Or do. 

I have been on dates with more than 50 different men in the last three years. Yeah I counted I'm sorry. I've done hikes, scavenger hunts, planetariums, dinners, comedy shows, crafts, more dinners, and lots and lots of bowling. (My score does not reflect this.)

I'm not here to brag or complain, even though this may sound like it. I'm here to talk. Because talking is what I do best, for those of you who know me. (You could also argue sleeping and rapping are what I do best, but we won't go there). 

I sometimes feel frustrated that I'm not playing this "game" correctly, or that I'm thinking of dating as a game. I've read more articles and seen more rom-coms than anyone, but I'm still fascinated by how people meet and fall in love. 

I have some ideas about dating and love. Disclaimer: These are all Jenna's thoughts and probably don't match yours. This is what I notice and feel. Your story is probably very different, and you may have met 100 more people who play the game their own way. For some reason, especially in Utah, people will rarely say the next few words out loud, but they will think it and write it and type it: dating isn't fun. 
But guess what? 

It's supposed to be. 

Here are some things I've learned about dating (at least in Utah): 

What I've Learned From Dating 

1. This is supposed to be the fun part of life. If there's drama, heartache, or worry, it isn't right. You can't treat every date like your spouse, but you shouldn't act like you'll never see them again. There's a balance between finding "the one" and finding some fun.  

2. Asking questions is important. I'm guilty of asking too many questions and not getting asked enough. I can tell when a guy is interested—he keeps asking questions. (It doesn't have to be a game of 20 questions but it's a good thing to do when starting out.)

3. If someone doesn't want to go out with you anymore, they just stop talking to you. (Guilty too)

4. First dates should be short. The occasional long first date can be fun, but don't feel pressured to plan a 6-hour date with 12 activities. 

5. Don't watch a movie on any of the first three dates (unless it works for you). 

6. Two people can love each other fully but still not be completely right for each other. 

7. You must not hold back—if you have something to say, say it. If you have an opinion, voice it. If you want to fall in love and get married . . . give it all you have. Even if your heart breaks 1,000 times, that means you've used your heart 1,000 more times than you would have. (Cheesy) It's my favorite line in the OneRepublic song: "Hope that you fall in love and it hurts so bad. The only way you know is give it all you have." 

8. Be yourself. This is the vaguest statement I've heard on my dating journey, but only in the last six months has it been applied. By answering questions and meeting new people, I discovered the type of dater, the type of listener, the type of woman I am. Don't worry about what the other person thinks of you. If they think you're weird, then that's it! That's the magic of dating—you don't have to see them again! And you can move on to find someone who really does like every part of you. So be yourself and moonwalk on your first date they'll love it trust me. 

The next part of this dating rant (I promise I'm not crazy) are possible dating theories; these are people's perspectives and ways to find the one. Just read these and see if this makes any sense: 

The First Person Perspective Disclaimer 2: This theory probably only applies to me. It seems like everyone around me has followed this theory (it's totally not true but it feels like it). 

In the first-person ideology, you marry the first person you really date. That can mean many things. It could be the first person you really liked when you were 12 or your high school sweetheart (Mom and Dad). It could be the first person you date when you come home from your mission (Brother) (Best Friend) or the first person you meet when you move to college (Sister(s)). It could be the first person you really ever date (Friend). This first person makes everything so easy—something just clicks. Yes, you have to make sure they're the right one, but you've found each other immediately and things just work. They're your first, and I don't know why it happens to everyone around me. 

The Just Have Fun Perspective

Whenever I meet someone new and he tells me he's just "wanting to have fun," I get nervous. I know that not each person you meet is your future spouse, but these eternal-party men (and women) hang out for a long time and get married when they're older. This position involves people who are ready to date everybody they see. They want to "just" have fun. They want to play the field. Put me in, coach. The problem with wanting to date as many people as they can before "being tied down" is that they never get tied down. I don't know, it's a red flag to me when someone is "down to party winky face." But hey, maybe they're having more fun than me. But Netflix is fun. 

The Date to Marry Perspective

These daters are in it for the long run. Even from the first date, they are thinking about the end. Could I marry this person? Sometimes these people become so paralyzed by this perspective that they avoid getting into relationships altogether. I used to think this way: The next person I seriously date, I have to marry. But wait, no I don't. Three dates with someone doesn't mean you are ready to get married. Except sometimes in Utah it works that way. I think people have become so good at filtering out their dates; we can know after meeting someone once if things could work out. Why? The "Date to Marry" folk are either so eager and ready to settle down or so afraid of making a huge choice with relationships. 

The Hang Out Perspective 

Maybe I should move into 2015, but I'm a woman who still appreciates the old-fashioned way of dating. I don't need every door held open and I don't expect phone calls every day, but when I hear people saying they're "hanging out" with someone, I make a face (inside my head). It's probably a safe way for men to escape rejection; saying "hang out" sounds a lot easier. The problem with this theory is that people who follow it are often confused when the hanging out moves forward. I personally would rather go out with Urkel if he called it a "date" over Hugh Jackman if he called it "hanging out." (Hahhaha I'm just kidding I'd hang out with Hugh any day he can call it anything he wants)

The "I Believe" Perspective

If I could pick one that fits me now, this would be closest. These are people who have dated up and down the river (where did that saying come from?) and who are letting life happen. They date, meet people, laugh a little, date some more, and watch time pass. Maybe they've fallen in love before. Maybe they're worried. But through it all, these people believe that something wonderful is just around the corner. Perhaps they're hopeful romantics (see what I did there?), but these people know that one day, things will all work out. They believe in better things to come and they've learned that dating can be fun and people can be exciting and truly interesting. 

Maybe I think too much about dating. Maybe I will meet Mr. Right tomorrow. Maybe he won't be Right for me because I'm not Right for him. Maybe there are too many "maybes" in this life. Whatever your experience is, however you found your spouse, or no matter what you think at night, know that "you will look back in a few years and be absolutely perplexed and awed by how every little thing added up and brought you somewhere wonderful. You will be grateful the things didn't work out the way you once wanted them to."