On Dating: A Man's Side
This is a semi-response/partner article to my dating one, written by a friend from BYU!
Dating. The topic that everyone secretly wants to talk about but no one wants to hear about. Lucky for us Jenna decided to write something about it and that’s how this post came to be. I sort-of invited myself to throw in my two cents and Jenna kindly invited me to write out my thoughts.
Like Jenna’s disclaimer: These are my thoughts and opinions, based off of my personal experience. My dating history summed up – 6 dates from ages 16-18, 6 dates my first semester at BYU, and then I’ve been in 9 relationships in the 3.5 years I’ve been home from my mission with many, many first dates (and very, very few second dates) in between those. Just to give you a background. So you can see, although I grew up in California, most of my dating experience has been shaped by BYU and Provo culture. (Yes, there is a distinct culture associated with dating at BYU – them weirdos!)
Dating is a taboo topic, and usually something to this effect comes up in every conversation I have about it – “Dating sucks. I’m sorry!” I’ve heard this statement from married people, single people, people in relationships, people fresh out a relationship, people not looking to get into a relationship. I don’t understand how this would be encouraging. We’re told that dating is SUPPOSED to be fun, it’s SUPPOSED to be about getting out and meeting new people, having fun, socializing, and enjoying time with someone of the opposite gender. But when the people you love, trust, and go to for advice tell you that “Dating sucks” – it makes it difficult to have a civil, genuine, and honest discussion on the topic. Hence, I’d like to give my perspective of what I think about dating (even when we go through the phase of “Dating sucks!) and what I’ve learned.
Some points on what dating should be:
1. Fun! First, second, and third dates (maybe more, depends on the people and the situation) should be easy-going, relaxing, entertaining, adventurous… you get the picture. In any case, the whole point is to get to know the person better in a comfortable environment and in different situations that you wouldn’t have in a normal, daily routine. Not crazy, lengthy, marathon dates. Please. Don’t do a marathon date. Those are for people in relationships or a big group of friends who are all comfortable with one another. That’s about it.
3. When it comes to being more serious in a relationship, a chance to discuss what qualities, aspirations, and goals that you have. Y’all should have the opportunity to get on the same page or at least work towards getting on the same page.
4. Genuine! Be yourself. If you really like something, let them know! If you don’t, let them know! If you’re not comfortable with something or someone, it’s not right.
Overall, looking back at these points, it’s all about interpersonal communication. You have the chance to develop a friendship and work from there.
Some points on what dating shouldn’t be:
1. First and second dates shouldn’t feel like an interview that you are being graded on. It’s an opportunity to get to know someone. They might have had a bad or off day! Be willing to give people a chance. Unless the guy or gal is creepy. Then don’t.
2. Showing off. No need to bring out the ego and not be yourself. It’s okay to be your best self, just don’t go overboard.
3. A contest. It’s not about the hottest girl or the cutest guy. Looks are literally skin deep. It’s not about being the most creative. Please don’t make it a comparison. It’s not a sin to graduate from college and not be married. Most of my friends are married, but that doesn’t mean I’m a failure. Just that I’m at a different stage in life.
5. And please, don’t go watch a movie on a first, second or third date. That’s just tacky. You can’t get to know the person better by watching a movie. Maybe the only justification would be seeing something you were both interested in and wanted to have a discussion about it afterwards.
Jenna’s next portion of her post is spot-on. I whole-heartedly agree with her categories. I’d like to add some more though.
“The ‘any two good people can get married and be happy’ perspective”
There’s a quote that’s often taken out of context by Pres. Spencer W. Kimball in a 1976 address called “Oneness in Marriage.” It goes like this – “any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.
The whole quote should be this: “ ‘Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.”
Why am I pointing out the difference? President Kimball states that we should seek (by prayer and with diligence) the mate who is most compatible and will bring the most happiness into our lives. I feel like some people jump to the end of the quote and find someone who will work or they’re okay with marrying. Not necessarily the best match, but it’s a relationship that will work out.
The “I’m going to work, find my career, and then worry about marriage” perspective
This used to be aimed mainly at men, but now and now it’s becoming a perspective adopted by both genders. These people want to be able to have a stable foundation before worrying about marriage and supporting a family. Dating is a secondary objective, and not very important. The rest is self-explanatory.
Anyway, I’m running out of mental juice and I’m starting to ramble. Feel free to throw in your two cents! Maybe the more we approach dating, the more we can make it an acceptable topic and not something everyone stresses out about. A lofty goal, but maybe attainable!
Regards –
SoCalDwat (Dave)
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