BYU Dating: I Don't Want to Marry You

Author's Note: If you want to just skip to cool parts, read the underlined portions. This is an essay my friend Kaitlin and I wrote two years ago. I think a lot of it still applies. This is not meant to be an attack on men--just observations and possible rants.

 The year is 1950. Your science partner, Alan, who also happens to be a fox, asks you to meet at his locker after school. When the time arrives, he’s waiting for you. Smiling and confident, Alan asks you to the drive-in this Saturday. He picks you up on time, meets your father, and opens your car door. The date was a success. The year is now 2013.  Kyle, a scruffy RM, texts you ‘hey’ and eventually asks you to ‘hang out’ with the boys at the bowling alley. Although he drives you to the date, you pay for yourself and he texts half the night. By the end of the date, you are wishing for a time machine to go back and find Alan. Perhaps Nicholas Sparks is to blame for his high standards and romanticized novels. For both genders, the definition of ‘dating’ has changed, but men must understand that women are not hunting for wedding rings, but are looking for opportunities to find love in a straight forward, mature manner.

From the world’s point of view, Kyle is the prime candidate for a love connection. The world’s pool of daters no longer use the word ‘dating’ and have become more relaxed and nonchalant. ‘Hanging out’ is the new dating, and the entire structure of a date has morphed from sincere conversation and activities to virtual emoticons and Pizza Hut. The real question may be: do people date at all? Dating is not used to find a lifelong companion, but is abused to find a physical partner and friendly benefits. Marriage has even been diminished and is beginning to disappear as dating has become the new ‘married’. The big question is now ‘Will you move in with me?’ rather than ‘Will you marry me?’ Like the world, young adults at BYU rush into the dating game with one purpose in mind: to avoid the fear of remaining ‘forever alone’.

However, the BYU bubble skips the move-in moment and attacks the altar. Dating at BYU means one of two things: girls pinning wedding dresses while boys run for the hills or overeager return missionaries anticipating their wedding nights. We have been taught the importance of being worthy to be sealed for time and all eternity. Marriage is a serious covenant made to a loving spouse and Heavenly Father. This is a very popular topic in Utah society and a very big decision in life. Elder Bruce R. McConkie boldly outlined the vitality of marriage in a 1973 BYU Devotional when he said, “I believe that the most important single thing that any Latter-day Saint ever does in this world is to marry the right person, in the right place, by the right authority.” 

Like McConkie, many LDS leaders encourage marriage regardless of financial security or academic success. Because of these promptings, the young adults of the church have responded in a variety of ways. There has formed a black and white separation of readiness levels among the single men and women on campus. ‘Green light’ adults are actively searching for their soul mates, while red light students sit idly, fearfully, or patiently. Dating is not a necessary activity for red lights. While many may be stuck in ruts, there are really no yellow lights at BYU. You are in the game or you are on the bench.

What about the ones trying to jump into the game and fish for love? In Utah, roller skating is a popular entertainment that attracts all ages. The most anticipated time of the night is called Snowball, where eligible eager girls border the rink with outstretched arms, waiting for equally eligible boys to skate by and take hold. This tradition is both exhilarating and embarrassing at the same time. For the forgotten maiden, the night is ruined. For the nervous guy, the song may become a solo skate or a trip to the snack bar. Snowball is a lot like BYU dating. Most girls are ready and willing, waiting for a confident man to appear and take charge. Most boys are stuck in a continuous circle, either too picky or nervous to approach the female species. 

While most men participate in Snowball, it is a fleeting activity that does not last. If it were not for that tradition, few would step up. Without influence or instructions, boys fail to take initiative. What girl doesn’t want to get dressed up and smell nice for a guy? For girls, a date does not mean a permanent pass to the rink; it is simply one song to skate with another interesting person. Girls want to be wanted. Guys want to be accepted. From a woman’s point of view, when a guy reaches out and picks a partner he is not singling out his future companion, but is being an example of an Alan.

            Let’s take a step back and lay off the guys. It is obvious that there are some plainly psychotic women out there who fall in love with any specimen who smiles. From the popular Divine Comedy parody “Provo Gurls,” Utah young women would “marry a tree as long as it served a mission.” BYU boys have reason to fear when they hear these lyrics: “If you plan the first date, we’ll plan the rest of your eternity.” Though these lyrics are humorous and exaggerated, this is a legitimate fear for men dating at BYU. However, credit is given where credit is deserved; it is not easy to put on a jersey and jog on to the field. With Bridal Guide magazine stands lining each building, men aren't to be blamed for backing off a bit. With economic instability more prevalent, there is good reason to establish a steady income before buying a diamond. There are respectable justifications as to why men wait to wed, but some are just plain excuses. Time won’t wait, so get a date.

            The stereotype that men stamp onto women needs retirement. “18, clueless, and baby hungry” is a joke gone too far. Age is just a number, more women graduate from BYU than men, and who doesn’t love babies? Everyone has a different purpose at BYU and a different outlook on what the future holds for them. Dating may be an always-awkward encounter between opposite genders, but for those who at least try, it can be an adrenaline of overcoming fears, trying new things, and increasing the number of Facebook friends you have. It’s a win-win in both situations: the guy gets to look at a pretty girl all night and maybe find his wife (or a kiss), and she receives free food.

            There are enough stresses that come with college, but dating should not be one of them. Leave your jaded feelings at home, put on a clean shirt, and feel those butterflies escape from their cocoons. Everyone deserves to skate with someone. Author Neil Gaiman once said, “Everybody has a secret world inside of them…No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they've all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe.” Dating is one of the best ways to uncover the worlds inside each person passing by. If we would only open up and understand that ‘hanging out’ is not world-finding worthy. How quickly we would share our worlds with the right person, if they would only reach out and ask.

            While the definition of dating may never be exactly determined, there are places to go and people to meet. It is not worth it to be alone when there is someone walking this world who could potentially make you better. There is far too much fear that can be cured with a simple smile and friendly foot forward. Face the future, but take a trip back in time and remember the chivalry that is not yet dead. Women are simply more open and honest to the idea of dating and relationships, so don’t let an overactive young women scare you off the field. Women: stay strong, but not too strong. Men: next time you hold the door open for a girl, you might be holding open the door to your future. “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” and at BYU, the water is crystal clear and swimming with sweeties.