Grow As You Go

I can't fit everything into one "post" or entry, but I wanted to share our fertility journey and where we were a few years ago vs. where we are now. 

We were married in April 2016, after being friends for a few years (we met August 2013). We always knew we wanted kids (he wants 4-6, I want 3-4), and we decided to start trying in 2017. 

This was September 2017, around the time we started trying! Look how young and bright-eyed we were.

I remember being SO sure that we would get pregnant one the first or second try. It happened for a few family members and friends, so clearly it wasn't difficult. I sincerely never ever ever thought we'd be a couple to struggle with infertility, and maybe that's how we got picked to go through this struggle (side note: I don't really believe God "picks" people to go through certain things, sometimes He just allows life to happen. SO many times people told us to "trust God" or "believe in His timing" and that became such a difficult thing to hear). 

And THEN, after what felt like a long time but was only 6 months, we got PREGNANT. We were living in Las Vegas, and on April 3 I held a positive test in my hands. I surprised Jonathan, we laughed and cried and celebrated. We drove to California for our 2nd anniversary. 

April 2018

In California, we had a great time at a museum and the temple and spending time with family. Jonathan had to drive back to Vegas early, and I decided to stay in CA a few days for more "fun time." We were about 5-6 weeks pregnant, and we hadn't told anyone yet. We were excited, I had heartburn, and we felt good. 

The day after Jonathan left, I started bleeding. 

I was a little worried. I stepped outside and called Jonathan. I called our OBGYN in Vegas, who said I could go to the emergency room or just wait things out if I felt any pain. I didn't have any pain, but I was bleeding a lot. I looked up things online saying that people bled and still had a healthy baby, so I convinced myself I was OK. But something inside was ringing a warning bell. 

I STILL didn't tell anyone. I thought about telling my mom and rushing to the ER, but I still somehow thought everything was going to be OK. 

Chillin in the California, this was during my miscarriage and I was hoping it wasn't something horrible.

My mom dropped me off at the airport a few days later, everything was "great," and I was still heavily bleeding as my flight took off. 

We went to the doctor's the next Monday (I flew home on the weekend), and he confirmed that we were no longer pregnant. They were very kind about it, but I couldn't help but blame myself for something that happened. Maybe I shouldn't have taken the heartburn medicine. Maybe I shouldn't have gone on a road trip? 

Jonathan and I sat in our car in the doctor's parking lot, crying and crying. He went back to work, and I drove home. My mom actually called me on the drive home to say hi, and I told her I'd FaceTime her when I got back.

I FaceTimed my mom and bawled my eyes out to her, telling her we were pregnant and then in California everything happened. She cried with me. I called my dad while he was at work and together we cried over losing something I barely knew I had. 

Eventually we told our closest family, feeling completely helpless and sorrowful. I didn't realize how common miscarriages really were. No one talks about it. I felt foolish for taking cute pictures and daydreaming about a future child I now wouldn't know.

Even to this day, I still don't know if this very early "child" was a fetus, a child, or just a grouping of cells. I don't fully believe/know that I'll have an "angel child" waiting in Heaven. It was all so quick—maybe two weeks total of knowing we were pregnant before knowing we weren't. It was enough time to get my hopes all the way up, but not enough time to fully develop a "bond" with this thing inside me. 

The doctor said we could try again in 3-6 months. 

To make a long story shorter, we tried and tried, waited and planned, cried, and hoped, and waited some more. I heard EVERYTHING, from "stop being so stressed!" to "Your time will come." The comfort/support was great, but hearing those things over and over again was killing me. Should I try acupuncture? Maybe get a dog? 

We moved to Arizona, and we heard about an amazing fertility center called New Directions. We called in November and was told their first available date was....March. 

I was bummed. I scheduled it anyway, and then I heard from a family friend to keep calling them and ask for any openings. So I called back the next week....

And they had JUST had someone cancel, and they could get us in in 2 days. We said YES and we got in November 2018. We met with the doctors/staff and felt SO much better now that our fertility was being understood and in "control." They ran tests and found everything to be "normal" with us, so the doctor called it "unexplained infertility." 

These are two pics from our first appointment at New Directions, feeling hopeful and ready to go:

We decided to try IUIs (with medication/injections). The first two rounds didn't work (December and January), and the third IUI appointment was February 13, 2019. Our doctor said he only did 3 IUIs because the chance of pregnancy on the 4th wasn't any better, so I really felt the pressure with this one. This came with a LOT of monitoring, injections, ultrasounds, more injections, and waiting. 

Photos from each of our IUI procedures

They told me to test two weeks after that on February 27 to see if we were pregnant. 

On February 26 at 6:30PM at night, I had the feeling to test. I really didn't think I was pregnant, but earlier that day I had some spotting and I felt like mayyyybe it could be. Jonathan was still at work, but I tested and saw PREGNANT on our Clearblue Digital. 

We were PREGNANT again. I didn't cry/laugh this time. I was honestly very hesitant, and I couldn't get my happiness level up super high because I immediately thought about miscarriage and the probability of losing another baby. I told Jonathan when he got home that night, and we celebrated together and told our family right away (everyone knew about our fertility visits this time around, so we told close family the same day we found out we were pregnant!) 

We had a 6-week ultrasound at our fertility center and saw one beautiful healthy circle dot thing!! We got to see the heartbeat (didn't hear it, but we saw a flashing light) and it was amazing! 

I've always wanted to have an ultrasound photo, and this tiny dot of one was so precious to me. 

They told us to schedule an appointment with an OBGYN, and I was able to schedule one at my 10-week mark. That felt SO far away, so Jonathan and I went to another ultrasound place when I was 8 weeks to check up on baby and make sure everything was OK. This was when we heard the heartbeat and saw a wayyyy bigger baby in there!  

And yes, from week 5 I felt sick. Nausea, sleepiness, food aversions, etc. Even now, at almost 15 weeks I have mild nausea, and there are some days I just cry because of all the hormones and sickness. I only wanted Jamba Juice, chocolate, or nothing at all. Now I'm getting better at eating, but sometimes it's hard. I don't want ANY meat, but I know this baby will take what it can get. Which includes Red Robin fries. 

We went to California the first week in May for my cousin's wedding and to take baby pics! Lauren took photos of us and we were able to share our news with the world! 

There are days when I still feel very afraid and know that at any second, this could all change. I've heard all the stories of 16-week miscarriages, early pregnancies, stillborns, and more. I mourn for those who have lost babies, and I hold tight to my stomach, hoping desperately to hold on for another week. 

Baby is the size of a lemon! 14 weeks 

Even when life was very "thumbs-down," I kept my thumbs up, hoping that this month, this time would work. Hope is the scariest thing we have, and I'm still rebuilding my relationship with hope, but I know that after our loss and our waiting, we have learned more about each other, our family desires, and science/medicine than ever before. 

I'm thankful for our journey and know it's not over yet. I have felt so frustrated, alone, and just horribly sad, but each time I cried I felt so happy that I am able to experience these emotions. And I know of so many women who wait even longer and have experienced even more miscarriages and more pain than I have, but I know my own story is special because it's the one that has shaped me and Jonathan forever. 

Next step...finding out if this kid is a boy or girl in another 4 weeks!